I 'm not Dennis.

I 'm Robert, and I had the great pleasure of knowing Dennis for nearly 20 years.

I only just tonight figured out how he signed on to this blog so that I could write a guest entry. I'm not sure Dennis would approve.

For those readers who aren't facebook friends or otherwise connected I am sorry to tell you that Dennis ended his valiant fight with cancerS on March 15th.

Note the capital S. TWO @$&*ing kinds of cancer. I know that Dennis tried to keep the tone of this blog positive but as a guest I get to say how absolutely gut-wrenchingly stupid it is that a man who fought off HIV for 20 years had to get not 1, but 2 cancers and die from them. Especially a man with the wit, charm, style and talent of Dennis.

On the positive side, at the outset of all this I made a promise to Dennis to keep him at home as long as we possibly could. Well that worked out. I strongly suspect his strong will played a part in it but a hospice bed never opened for him. Thus, he spent his final days at home, surrounded by friends, family, food, wine, weed, music and Turner Classic Movies.

He was declared house-bound on President's Day weekend and died just about a month later. Looking back on it with all the tears, laughter and "situations" it may have been the best month of my life. I was very grateful to get to spend that last bit of quality time with a dear friend. I was also happy to help him with his daily chores. But mostly, and often I'm sure he wished we would disappear I was thrilled to surround him with his loving friends.

Another crazy thing about this month is that Violet became an actual pet. While still afraid of standing people once everyone was seated she would come out of hiding and request attention if not actual affection. And, as the house quieted each night Violet would jump up onto Dennis' bed to sleep with him, something she never did prior. She made it very difficult for me to honor the arrangement that Dennis and Laura made for Laura to take her. However, in the end I know it was right because (sadly) Violet blossomed because she was finally an only cat after Junie died. Dennis knew it and was happy that she was going to Laura's cat-free house.

There is a celebration of his life planned on May 26th from 4-7pm. If you don't already know about it and want details post a comment and I'll be in touch.

Dennis, I love you. I miss you. You'll always be with me. You'll always be remembered by all of us.

Sad News; Bad News

Most of you know from Facebook that my beloved companion of the past 18 years, Junie, left this world on November 9th. I miss her every day, but I'm confident I chose the right time, and I'm glad I was around to take care of her.

At the beginning of December, I went on my TCM cruise from Miami to Key West and Cozumel. My friend Donald and I really enjoyed the TCM events, as well as the warm weather, but we agree that cruise life is not for us. Traveling in a pack just isn't our style. This photo was taken in front of the W hotel in South Beach, mainly for Della, because she loves Hello Kitty so much.

The day after I got home, I had a brain MRI. Unfortunately, it showed that the cancer has recurred in my brain. Just as with the recurrence in my body, further treatment options are not available for this recurrence. I saw Dr. Liu this morning and he is referring me to hospice care. The hospice nurse will come to my apartment in a few days to assess my condition, and we'll determine a schedule for visits. Meanwhile, I have steroids to reduce swelling in my brain, and a huge bottle of Vicodin for my armpit pain, as well as for the headaches that are likely to result from the growing brain mass. I've started using my cane again when I go out, because I tend to get dizzy walking among people; the cane not only steadies me, it also sends a signal to the people around me to keep their distance.

There's no sure way of telling how much time I have. Dr. Liu guessed 3 months or so. I'm grateful for the time I've eked out since my diagnosis, and more than grateful that I have such loving friends and family who have made the trials of this awful cancer easier to bear. I'm hoping to go to NYC one more time, three weeks from now to see the final performance of Sondheim's "Follies", but, of course, that depends on my condition then.

Surgery Consult Report

Just got home from lunch with Holly and Rene after the surgery consult.

Holly went with me to meet Dr. Constant, whom we both really liked. He was very direct. What he said was at best, the surgery might give me 5 to 9 months of freedom from recurrence, but that the surgery would definitely result in a lot of discomfort and would mean I'd have an open wound for the rest of my life along with the possibility of infection, the need to have drains in it, possible edema in my upper arm and various and sundry not-nice stuff. That was certainly enough to dissuade me from having the surgery, but he finalized my decision when he said, "If you were my brother, I would advise you against having it."

In a way, I'm relieved, as I was worried that if I had the surgery, I'd experience a lot of discomfort recovering from it and then, too soon, the cancer would recur somewhere else, if not in the same place. Now I know I can have my art show, go on my cruise, come home and make more of my art, and just enjoy my life. I feel very strong in my body, and frankly, my gut says it is far from my time to die. I plan to be around for awhile and to be fairly active during that time, so don't cry for me, Argentina, and don't count me out yet.

Oh, and be sure to come see my art at Cafe Sophie! Love to you all.

Chemo done today; results are mixed

I'll be having my last chemo infusion this afternoon. I've managed to bounce back from all of the rounds this time around and the tumor has shrunk down to a very small size.

HOWEVER, it has not disappeared completely as it had done by this point the first time, 2 years ago. Dr. Liu is worried that it will start to grow again as soon as the chemo drugs have left my body, and that this could result in considerable pain, and interference with the use of my right arm. Further chemo is of no use and radiation is still not an option. Fortunately, the CT scan I had on Tuesday shows that it has not spread anywhere else in my body and that the mass is not entangled with any ligaments or tendons in my armpit. Therefore, Dr. Liu and the radiation oncologist think it might be a good candidate for surgical excision.

So I'm changing merry-go-round horses yet again and consulting a Kaiser surgeon (James Constant) on 10/31. If he thinks surgery is a good idea, of course we'll move on that ASAP, to catch it before it grows again, and so I can be healed and ready to fly off to my cruise on Dec. 7.

Looks like I will in fact be the artist-of-the-month at Cafe Sophie, across the alley, for the month of November. With all that's going on medically, I can't promise an opening reception, but if there is one, I think it will be on Friday, Nov 4 in the evening. I'll post about that when I know more.

Almost done with chemo and then...a treat

One more infusion for round 5 tomorrow and then round 6 three weeks from now and I'll be done. The ughs were really severe last time, but I bounced back very quickly, so I can't complain too much. (Just a little bit.) The mass has shrunk down to the size of a pea, and I'm hopeful that it will shrink away to nothing once round 6 is done. During the two weeks I have off from chemo between rounds, I try to be as social as I can and move around a lot. We've had really gorgeous weather here lately, so it doesn't seem like a chore to take a long walk.

Since I last posted, I've spent a day in Healdsburg with practically my whole gang of friends for Robert's birthday. I didn't feel up to spending the night there (he rented a gorgeous property there for five nights), and I regret that I didn't feel up to it, but I think i made the right decision. I don't sleep that well even in my own bed, and I get up several times a night, so I'm not a great roommate just now. Aside from that, I have also been to a couple of evening parties. I didn't stay late at either of them, but it's nice to see people and have them tell me how great I look. :-)

My big news is that I felt I really needed something to look forward to after chemo and the detox from chemo, so I got on a waiting list for a short cruise from Miami to Cozumel in early December. I'm not particularly interested in either of those places, and if I were simply interested in a cruise, I'd do it on this coast. The drawing card for this particular cruise is that it's a Turner Classic Movies cruise. The two hosts of TCM, Robert Osborne and Ben Mankiewicz, will be on board, along with Ernest Borgnine, Tippi Hedren, Eva Marie Saint and Norman Jewison (he directed "Moonstruck'). It will be four days of film screenings and onstage interviews with the stars, and of course, the usual blandishments of a cruise. (pools, casino, bars, gyms, endless food)

My friend Donald in NY is flying down to Miami to do the cruise with me. I was on the waiting list, but they contacted me today to let me know a suite became available, so I snagged it. We have a large suite with a sitting room and a private veranda. I'm flying first class to Miami, both coming and going, so I don't think it's a trip that will wear me out too much, and the activities are tailor-made for me. TCM is the default channel in my house and the four guest stars are associated with some of my favorite films. Plus, I worship Bob Osborne - all the behind the scenes info he imparts when he introduces the films, his gentle interviewing style when he does the "Private Screenings" episodes and even just his resonant voice. I'm so stoked about meeting him, even more than I am about meeting the stars.

So even though it's my third time undergoing treatment for this damn disease, between doing my artwork and now, having this trip planned, I think I spend most of my time in a place of hope and cheer rather than one of dread and despair.

No news on my art show. The cafe's "curator" (that term sounds pretty highfalutin' for a cafe, doesn't it?) whom I spoke to originally is no longer associated with the cafe, and the new one isn't responding to my emails, so I don't know if it will really happen, but I've sold a few framed prints to friends, and given a few away as birthday presents, so I feel semi-professional. It's great having my own mat cutter and being able to do my own framing. Custom framing is so expensive. I'm not currently enrolled in a linoleum printing class, so I haven't been printing lately. Given the location of the studio, I"ll really want to get a new scooter before I return to printing. I just threw the pig print in at the top because he's one of my faves, and I like my posts to have a picture.

Clover Midst the Cowpies

Just wanted to report a bit of happy news: My brain MRI was good. No new masses or sacs of fluid and no growth among the remnants left behind by the surgeries and radiation treatments. Of course, this didn't come as a surprise, since I would have pretty clear signs if my brain was going blooey again. Still, it's nice to have some good news as I cope with chemo.

Ughs after chemo are worse and last a little longer each time, but I have managed to keep to my resolution of getting up and getting showered and dressed by nine each day, even if all I feel up to doing is staring into space.

Three Down, ? to go

I'm just now coming out of the ughs from the third round of chemo. I find if I can get a solid night's sleep on an ugh day, my recovery is much quicker.

Stella was declared a total loss. I've already gotten the settlement check, but I just put it in the bank. Until I detox from my final chemo round, all I'd be doing with a new scooter is moving it out of the way of the street cleaners every week. Someone else can own it, store it and insure it until I'm really ready to ride it.

I got my own mat cutter last week and have invested a lot of time framing the farm animal prints. I also finished and framed the multi-piece Shrinkydinks piece you see here. I'm waiting for my chemo schedule to be finalized before I schedule the cafe show, but I'll be ready, artwork-wise. Chemo may extend into late October, depending on its effectiveness and my own stamina, and what Dr. Liu and I decide.

So to summarize;

- I'm standing up to the chemo ughs ok so far
- We may go for six rounds of chemo, after all (still TBD after seeing Dr. Liu in a couple of weeks)
- Brain MRI next Monday (This is a followup to my surgeries and brain radiation, just to make sure everything is still quiet up there; I think it is)
- I have no wheels for the time being
- I can now mat and frame my own lino prints