Sad News; Bad News

Most of you know from Facebook that my beloved companion of the past 18 years, Junie, left this world on November 9th. I miss her every day, but I'm confident I chose the right time, and I'm glad I was around to take care of her.

At the beginning of December, I went on my TCM cruise from Miami to Key West and Cozumel. My friend Donald and I really enjoyed the TCM events, as well as the warm weather, but we agree that cruise life is not for us. Traveling in a pack just isn't our style. This photo was taken in front of the W hotel in South Beach, mainly for Della, because she loves Hello Kitty so much.

The day after I got home, I had a brain MRI. Unfortunately, it showed that the cancer has recurred in my brain. Just as with the recurrence in my body, further treatment options are not available for this recurrence. I saw Dr. Liu this morning and he is referring me to hospice care. The hospice nurse will come to my apartment in a few days to assess my condition, and we'll determine a schedule for visits. Meanwhile, I have steroids to reduce swelling in my brain, and a huge bottle of Vicodin for my armpit pain, as well as for the headaches that are likely to result from the growing brain mass. I've started using my cane again when I go out, because I tend to get dizzy walking among people; the cane not only steadies me, it also sends a signal to the people around me to keep their distance.

There's no sure way of telling how much time I have. Dr. Liu guessed 3 months or so. I'm grateful for the time I've eked out since my diagnosis, and more than grateful that I have such loving friends and family who have made the trials of this awful cancer easier to bear. I'm hoping to go to NYC one more time, three weeks from now to see the final performance of Sondheim's "Follies", but, of course, that depends on my condition then.

Surgery Consult Report

Just got home from lunch with Holly and Rene after the surgery consult.

Holly went with me to meet Dr. Constant, whom we both really liked. He was very direct. What he said was at best, the surgery might give me 5 to 9 months of freedom from recurrence, but that the surgery would definitely result in a lot of discomfort and would mean I'd have an open wound for the rest of my life along with the possibility of infection, the need to have drains in it, possible edema in my upper arm and various and sundry not-nice stuff. That was certainly enough to dissuade me from having the surgery, but he finalized my decision when he said, "If you were my brother, I would advise you against having it."

In a way, I'm relieved, as I was worried that if I had the surgery, I'd experience a lot of discomfort recovering from it and then, too soon, the cancer would recur somewhere else, if not in the same place. Now I know I can have my art show, go on my cruise, come home and make more of my art, and just enjoy my life. I feel very strong in my body, and frankly, my gut says it is far from my time to die. I plan to be around for awhile and to be fairly active during that time, so don't cry for me, Argentina, and don't count me out yet.

Oh, and be sure to come see my art at Cafe Sophie! Love to you all.

Chemo done today; results are mixed

I'll be having my last chemo infusion this afternoon. I've managed to bounce back from all of the rounds this time around and the tumor has shrunk down to a very small size.

HOWEVER, it has not disappeared completely as it had done by this point the first time, 2 years ago. Dr. Liu is worried that it will start to grow again as soon as the chemo drugs have left my body, and that this could result in considerable pain, and interference with the use of my right arm. Further chemo is of no use and radiation is still not an option. Fortunately, the CT scan I had on Tuesday shows that it has not spread anywhere else in my body and that the mass is not entangled with any ligaments or tendons in my armpit. Therefore, Dr. Liu and the radiation oncologist think it might be a good candidate for surgical excision.

So I'm changing merry-go-round horses yet again and consulting a Kaiser surgeon (James Constant) on 10/31. If he thinks surgery is a good idea, of course we'll move on that ASAP, to catch it before it grows again, and so I can be healed and ready to fly off to my cruise on Dec. 7.

Looks like I will in fact be the artist-of-the-month at Cafe Sophie, across the alley, for the month of November. With all that's going on medically, I can't promise an opening reception, but if there is one, I think it will be on Friday, Nov 4 in the evening. I'll post about that when I know more.

Almost done with chemo and then...a treat

One more infusion for round 5 tomorrow and then round 6 three weeks from now and I'll be done. The ughs were really severe last time, but I bounced back very quickly, so I can't complain too much. (Just a little bit.) The mass has shrunk down to the size of a pea, and I'm hopeful that it will shrink away to nothing once round 6 is done. During the two weeks I have off from chemo between rounds, I try to be as social as I can and move around a lot. We've had really gorgeous weather here lately, so it doesn't seem like a chore to take a long walk.

Since I last posted, I've spent a day in Healdsburg with practically my whole gang of friends for Robert's birthday. I didn't feel up to spending the night there (he rented a gorgeous property there for five nights), and I regret that I didn't feel up to it, but I think i made the right decision. I don't sleep that well even in my own bed, and I get up several times a night, so I'm not a great roommate just now. Aside from that, I have also been to a couple of evening parties. I didn't stay late at either of them, but it's nice to see people and have them tell me how great I look. :-)

My big news is that I felt I really needed something to look forward to after chemo and the detox from chemo, so I got on a waiting list for a short cruise from Miami to Cozumel in early December. I'm not particularly interested in either of those places, and if I were simply interested in a cruise, I'd do it on this coast. The drawing card for this particular cruise is that it's a Turner Classic Movies cruise. The two hosts of TCM, Robert Osborne and Ben Mankiewicz, will be on board, along with Ernest Borgnine, Tippi Hedren, Eva Marie Saint and Norman Jewison (he directed "Moonstruck'). It will be four days of film screenings and onstage interviews with the stars, and of course, the usual blandishments of a cruise. (pools, casino, bars, gyms, endless food)

My friend Donald in NY is flying down to Miami to do the cruise with me. I was on the waiting list, but they contacted me today to let me know a suite became available, so I snagged it. We have a large suite with a sitting room and a private veranda. I'm flying first class to Miami, both coming and going, so I don't think it's a trip that will wear me out too much, and the activities are tailor-made for me. TCM is the default channel in my house and the four guest stars are associated with some of my favorite films. Plus, I worship Bob Osborne - all the behind the scenes info he imparts when he introduces the films, his gentle interviewing style when he does the "Private Screenings" episodes and even just his resonant voice. I'm so stoked about meeting him, even more than I am about meeting the stars.

So even though it's my third time undergoing treatment for this damn disease, between doing my artwork and now, having this trip planned, I think I spend most of my time in a place of hope and cheer rather than one of dread and despair.

No news on my art show. The cafe's "curator" (that term sounds pretty highfalutin' for a cafe, doesn't it?) whom I spoke to originally is no longer associated with the cafe, and the new one isn't responding to my emails, so I don't know if it will really happen, but I've sold a few framed prints to friends, and given a few away as birthday presents, so I feel semi-professional. It's great having my own mat cutter and being able to do my own framing. Custom framing is so expensive. I'm not currently enrolled in a linoleum printing class, so I haven't been printing lately. Given the location of the studio, I"ll really want to get a new scooter before I return to printing. I just threw the pig print in at the top because he's one of my faves, and I like my posts to have a picture.

Clover Midst the Cowpies

Just wanted to report a bit of happy news: My brain MRI was good. No new masses or sacs of fluid and no growth among the remnants left behind by the surgeries and radiation treatments. Of course, this didn't come as a surprise, since I would have pretty clear signs if my brain was going blooey again. Still, it's nice to have some good news as I cope with chemo.

Ughs after chemo are worse and last a little longer each time, but I have managed to keep to my resolution of getting up and getting showered and dressed by nine each day, even if all I feel up to doing is staring into space.

Three Down, ? to go

I'm just now coming out of the ughs from the third round of chemo. I find if I can get a solid night's sleep on an ugh day, my recovery is much quicker.

Stella was declared a total loss. I've already gotten the settlement check, but I just put it in the bank. Until I detox from my final chemo round, all I'd be doing with a new scooter is moving it out of the way of the street cleaners every week. Someone else can own it, store it and insure it until I'm really ready to ride it.

I got my own mat cutter last week and have invested a lot of time framing the farm animal prints. I also finished and framed the multi-piece Shrinkydinks piece you see here. I'm waiting for my chemo schedule to be finalized before I schedule the cafe show, but I'll be ready, artwork-wise. Chemo may extend into late October, depending on its effectiveness and my own stamina, and what Dr. Liu and I decide.

So to summarize;

- I'm standing up to the chemo ughs ok so far
- We may go for six rounds of chemo, after all (still TBD after seeing Dr. Liu in a couple of weeks)
- Brain MRI next Monday (This is a followup to my surgeries and brain radiation, just to make sure everything is still quiet up there; I think it is)
- I have no wheels for the time being
- I can now mat and frame my own lino prints

Chemo Round 2 Complete. I'm OK. Scooter Stella, not so much.

I had my second chemo round this last week, lost more hair, and feel a little more wrung out than last round. Just waiting for the ugh, which will commence tomorrow, if we're on schedule. Got through it in two days last time. Hoping for as fast a recovery this time too.

But that's nothing compared to what poor Stella is going through. Friday morning at approximately 1:45 AM, while parked in a 5-spot scooter parking pad, she and a motorcycle parked a space away were mowed down by a (presumably) drunk, hit-and-run driver. The owner of the motorcycle heard the crash and came outside in time to see a silver sedan driving away, but wasn't able to get the license number. He took some photos before picking up both our bikes and leaving a note on mine. She only had 144 miles on her. Undrivable, and probably totaled because of all the body damage. I was able to get her towed to the shop right away, and already have an insurance claim in the works. I should know her prognosis by Wednesday. Fortunately, I have pretty good coverage. This bites, but at least I wasn't on her at the time.

In better news, I'm moving ahead on organizing my linocut print / shrinkydinks art exhibit at the cafe across the alley from my apartment, Cafe Sophie. If all goes as planned, it should start around October 1 and my work should be up for about a month. There will be a little opening evening reception that I hope as many of you as possible will be able to attend.

Checkup with Dr. Liu

Just got home from seeing Dr. Liu. My lymph node has shrunk from the first chemo, and the blood tests show that my body tolerated that first round pretty well.

Dr. Gillis does not think it's a good idea for me to have more radiation in that area at this time. She zapped a wide margin around the node last time and doesn't want to subject the remaining healthy cells in that area to more radiation until a lot more time has elapsed.

So this chemo is really my only treatment option at this point. I need all your positive thoughts.

One chemo round down, ughs have been survived

This is my lino portrait of my great-nephew.

I got through last week's infusions fine. The ughs hit on Monday. I felt really horrible that day and mostly horrible on Tuesday. But I felt pretty well on Wednesday and was able to go to class and print. So grateful to have the ughs go away so quickly.

Only two more print classes and then I'm going to take a bit of a break, so I won't have to pay for classes and miss them because I'm ughin during the last of my chemo rounds. I have a bed cover to make using a serger that I have no experience with, as well as some shrinkydinks projects to finish. I probably have a bunch of radiation treatments in my near future too.

Peaks and Valleys - Valley Ahead

There's no way to sugar-coat this: the cancer has already recurred in my right axillary lymph node where it showed up originally almost 2 years ago. I noticed the swelling a couple weeks ago, had a CT scan last week, and met with Dr. Liu yesterday, who confirmed that the swelling is the cancer. Damn, that wasn't much of a respite, was it?

I'm already scheduled for my first of four rounds of chemo, next week. I never thought I'd be willing to do chemo again, but it's funny what you'll endure for a little more life. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm addicted to life. I gotta have it. Obviously we're heading toward a point where I will have to weigh the rigors of treatment against lost quality of life, but we're not there yet. I have a strong body that clearly can take a lot of abuse and bounce back and I intend to exercise that strength and resilience as long as I can.

I'll be needing chemo buddies. If you're interested, you can sign up here. (You have to be a member of the group and signed into a yahoo account in order to see or edit the calendar)

In happier news, I've finally started building my website where you can see some of my recent linocut prints. It's a work in progress, like me.

A good scan

Just hung up the phone with my radiation oncologist, Dr. Gillis. Monday's MRI showed that the bits of mass that remained in my brain after the last surgery have gotten much smaller since the cyberknife treatments and no new masses have formed.

Couldn't ask for more than that. Other than the congestion I am still having from allergies, I feel very good. I'm enjoying my printmaking class, and I find that I'm able to drink again, as well as go out at night, so things are more normal than they've been for months. Saturday, I went out to dinner and on to a concert of chamber music. Last night, I went to see John Waters interviewed at the Jewish Community Center and had a late supper at Sociale.

Onward. Another MRI in 3 months.

More normalcy

I went to open studio and printed tonight. Mostly, I printed more cards using lino plates from earlier classes, but I did bring this houndstooth rooster which I carved over the weekend.

Felt good to be back in the studio.

Stella is a great joy to ride, and i think I have the hang of the manual transmission now.

My new baby

Look what finally arrived 9 months after I put down my deposit!

I got a litttle nervous on my way to the scooter store, thinking "what if I've lost the ability to ride on 2 wheels after all this brain trauma?"

Fortunately, this was not the case, and after two trips around the block, I was shifting pretty competently. It was a gorgeous day to ride and I was grateful to be able to ride home in light mid-weekday traffic. She rides so smoothly and so quietly. It's a completely different ride from my little two-stroke, which I'm giving to a friend of mine who lives in North Beach.

This is the first thing that's made me feel "normal" since before my first brain surgery. I'm looking forward to getting a lot of riding in this weekend.

Yippee!

The latest CT scan results

I haven't posted a picture of myself in awhile, so here I am, bald and thin from my many procedures. You can see a nimbus of white fuzz growing in patches on my scalp. I'm skeptical that it will grow in to resemble my former hair, so I will probably end up having to shave my head.

The scan results were good. The only change since the last scan in November is a small spot on my lungs that Dr. Liu was fairly certain is phlegm due to my recent cold and nothing to worry about. My right buttock is still noticeably smaller than my left. He is still mystified by that, but not alarmed. Those of you familiar with Voltaire's 'Candide' might be reminded of Cunegonde's old lady attendant who only had one buttock (the other one had been eaten by Mongolians), so like her, i will soldier on in my lopsided form. "On to Cadiz!. Painful ride it will be for me with one buttock." The next body scan will be in June.

My blood work showed the low phosphorous level I've had since before my cancer diagnosis, and that my t-cells are taking a long time to recover from being assaulted by Decadron. The count was a little higher than my last blood test had, so things are moving in the right direction, at least.

Apart from waking up with a head full of snot every day and having this slight cough, I feel pretty good. My left hand has regained almost all of its former strength and dexterity, which cheers me considerably. Coincidentally, I've been feeling ready to drive my scooter again, and I got a call today that my brand new Stella 4-speed manual transmission scooter is on its way to SF from Chicago. Good timing. I need my left hand since that is where the clutch and shifter are. I'm very excited about riding two wheels again, as this will bring a new level of independence (and free me from having to ride Muni.)

Cyberknife treatments are all done

I am finally over what turned out to be a 3-week-long cold, that was the worst one I can remember having. I have about 50% of the hearing back in my left ear, which may be as good as I have had for the last 10 years or so, since having to fly with a sinus/ear infection.

And yesterday, despite delays and interruptions and an increase in the number of surgeries from 3 to 5, I finally had my last intimate encounter with Cyberknife.

Although I did have to go to bed at 8 last night, I feel quite well and energetic today. Decadron didn't manage to raise my blood sugar this time.

Here's the plan now (assuming there are no "events" that intervene):

I'm having a CT scan at the end of the month and consulting with Dr. Liu on 3/1 (this is to look for recurrence in the body only).

In 3 months, I'll have an MRI of my head and consult with Dr. Gillis.

That's the pattern until the scans find something or the something makes itself evident. A scan of each type every 3 months with a follow- up visit to the doctor. I'm not on any special cancer meds at this point.

Hoping that by being a good patient, I've earned a respite from horror and tedium. I don't plan to blog very often unless there's a lot of news. I'll do infrequent updates to let readers know I'm ok.

Eardrum punctures and Cyberknife adventures

I had to delay my first Cyberknife treatment, which was scheduled for yesterday, because my never-ending cold has now settled into my chest and I have a cough that rivals the sound of my motor scooter's engine. Besides just feeling lousy, I was worried that my coughing would shake my head too much for the Cyberknife. It tolerates small movements, but shuts down if the movements are too severe.

So instead, I called my primary care doctor, dear Dr. Chan, who answered the phone with the same phlegm-laden voice I have right now. Yes, he has this cold too. God bless him, he sent an order to the pharmacy for codeine cough syrup, and last night I had my first good night's sleep since this cold settled on me.

This morning I went back to Dr. Gupta to get the tube put in my eardrum. There was a lot of fluid backed up in there. It's nice to be able to hear out of my left ear again. My neighbors will no doubt be glad not to hear my TV too.

This afternoon, my adventures continued when I had my first Cyberknife treatment. The cough syrup did its job, with a little help from an adivan, and I actually napped through most of the hour-long session. The most impressive thing about today was how exuberantly I was greeted and hugged by all of the nurse techs who have worked on my case in the three different sets of treatment I've had there, when we all happened to converge in the main hallway at the same moment. It really made me feel good to have such a warm reception, despite being there for such an icky reason.

I met with Dr. Gillis and she explained that as she and Dr. Tse were designing my treatment, they saw an opportunity to further reduce my chance of a recurrence by zapping a deeper area under the original tumor site, along with the tumor remnant they saw on the MRI. This means a total of five treatments, which will end on Wednesday.

And then, I hope I can resume a mostly appointment-free life for awhile. However, this hair ain't growin' back, so I need to develop some sort of Phillip Johnson look for myself.

The latest

My ear:

I had a hearing test on Tuesday, which showed two things:
- I have significant hearing loss in my left ear....but
- there is no neural or brain damage related to this. It's just a lot of fluid backed up behind my eardrum. Dr. Gillis thinks the radiation may have played a part in it by drying out the wax in my ears, thus blocking the fluid's egress. Next Thursday Dr. Gupta will pierce the eardrum and install a tiny drainage tube. I should get most of my pre-brain tumor hearing back. Not having a hellaceous cold should help too

Cyberknife:

This morning, Kevin and I drove down to the Radiation Treatment Center where Dr. Gillis explained the procedure and its risks and had me sign the consent forms. Then we met Dr. Tse, who is a neurosurgeon in Redwood City and works with Dr. Gillis frequently on Cyberknife procedures. Dr. Tse explained the mechanics of how the Cyberknife works and that it's particularly good at zapping masses too deep in the brain to reach with a scalpel.

A new mask was created for my treatments,(to snap my head down to the board.) and a CT scan was taken. Tse and Gillis will use that scan together with the MRI that's being taken in Redwood City tomorrow to determine their "beam design". The actual treatments commence next Wednesday and end on Friday, 3 treatments in all, each lasting about an hour.

Good news on the Decadron front. I only have to take it on the three treatment days. This is very good news,since I'm only just now losing my toddler tummy and looking like my old self again.

Crap! Crap! Crap!

On Tuesday I went down to Redwood City to have my post-surgical MRI and follow-up exam with the neurosurgeon, Dr. Lavery.

Unfortunately, the scan was not the nice clear image I had hoped for. A small mass is still visible where the last tumor was removed.

So now I'm about to have a radiation procedure called "Cyberknife"' wherein a robotic arm will be programmed to zap that one little spot with multiple beams of radiation. This requires me to go back to Redwood city for another MRI and then to south San Francisco to consult with Dr. Gills next week, with the treatments beginning the following week. To me, one of the worst things about this is I'll have to go back on that awful steroid, Decadron.

I'm trying to be a good sport,, but this latest news really has me down. It doesn't help that I've come down with a cold.