The virtues of self-reward

As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I am once again ugh-free, and I took full advantage of it yesterday, intending merely to walk a couple blocks down the street to Artist's Xchange (a consignment shop for local artists), buy a small piece of art for myself and return home.

I ended up buying this incredible linocut print done by printmaker Katie Gilmartin. Don't ya love it? It came fully matted to 16"x 20".

Anyhoo, even though I had warned myself about overdoing, once I'd bought the print, I needed a frame for it, and Flax Art Supply was only another six or seven blocks away, so I hoofed it with my new acquisition under my arm. The weather was alternating between chilly overcast and sunny muggy and I was dressed in many layers, so the sunny parts made me a little heatolated. By the time I had purchased the frame and was within 3 blocks of returning home, I was huffing and puffing, like the little engine that could: "I think I can. I think I can". The entire outing lasted more than an hour. I was done in, but content, and wearing myself out like that gave me a really satisfying night's sleep last night.

Despite the good night's sleep, I awoke feeling some residual fatigue. Karen came and picked me up to take me to Kaiser for my blood draw (I passed again. No more Neuopogen shots until 1/16), and then we went to the Garcias where Della was just waking up from her morning nap. Karen read Cito a book. Holly finished a conference call for work. René and I watched Della and tried to keep her from destroying anything, and from scrambling out of sight (she's fast). Then we all went to lunch at Green Chile Kitchen. When I got home, Robert was passing by on foot and stopped in to visit for a bit.

Now I feel really worn out, and probably won't be awake to see in the official New Year, but I wish you all a happy, healthy, and prosperous 2010. Not that it will take much for me personally, but I have a feeling it's going to be a much nicer year than 2009.

Happy New Year everyone!

Singin in the Shower

You know that old chestnut about the moron who kept banging his head against the wall, and when asked why he said "cuz it feels so good when I stop"?

When the ugh really stops, it feels so good, it's hard not to get overwhelmed with elation and do too much. Today I woke up early, as usual, and got up, as usual, to take a shower and get dressed. Ever since my diagnosis, I haven't allowed myself to stay unshowered and undressed past 9 AM most days. Furthermore, as was the case before diagnosis, my bed is made as soon as I get out of it. Plenty of time for bed and days lounging in pjs later, but now, no matter how crappy I feel, I stick to this routine to keep from feeling like a sicky. Anyway, my point is, I got up, merely to stick to this routine. But halfway through my shower, I realized I must feel pretty good, because I was actually singing in the shower.

OK, never mind that I was singing my own scatalogical lyrics to the original theme song of "Wheel of Fortune". (Meg is the only other person who knows these lyrics) The point is, the ugh has lifted, and it's a fresh blessing every time. And I even see the sun peeking out now from behind the rain clouds. I think I need to go out and buy myself a "got well" present of some sort.

Less ugh-leeness

Got five hours of uninterrupted sleep followed by about two hours of uninterrupted sleep, and only some dry heaving first thing this morning. Much better than yesterday. I took a couple of short strolls today and was able to attend to some financial paperwork, mail, etc. Feeling very tired but not so toxic.

Ugh-lee

Yesterday and last night were the worst I've felt since chemo began. I won't go into details, but there was a lot of time spent in the bathroom last night, and not much sleep, and I really needed compazine this morning. I apologize for not returning calls or making arrangements to see people during the holiday break, but I just can't deal with social interaction right now. I have everything I need, and I hope by tomorrow to see an end to this part of the ugh. It's gross.

That was a great Christmas. Now, Boxing Day and Ugh Commencement

Yesterday, the Garcias came over in the late morning for candied bacon bites, popovers fresh from the oven and best of all, to open all the presents I had for them under the tree. It was a perfect gathering. The kids were happy and cute (as you can easily see), and I felt great. As time went on, my energy waned, but I didn't feel unwell, just tired.

They only stayed a couple of hours and after they left, I alternated between dozing and puttering around the apartment, cleaning up the Christmas clutter, and reading the wonderful new cookbook the Garcias gave me (Best of America's Test Kitchen up to 2010).

Slept lousy, in part because I have to push fluids so much during this period, and that means getting up several times in the night to eliminate them. Got up early, and can feel the encroaching ugh. I will take my walk before lunch, and spend the rest of this Boxing Day loafing.

Checkmark by Chemo Round 5 - Five down. One to go!

Round five completed without incident. No side-effects yet. Looking forward to Christmas Day.

Have a great holiday everyone!

Alison!

My niece Alison and her husband Jesse are in California for the holidays. They live near Washington DC now, and were lucky enough to leave town before the big snowfall. I had a nice leisurely lunch with them before they hit the road for Fresno. As you can see from the first photo (taken when Alison was 3), she and I have always been fond of one another. I'm so proud of her. She just completed her first post-grad semester at George Washington University with straight As. And this is a good time to give a shout out to her older sister Stephanie, who as of a few days ago, is officially DOCTOR Stephanie, MD. If I myself had actually gotten at the very least, an undergrad degree, I'd claim some genetic credit. As it is, I think it might have more to do with the self-discipline and good study habits they both developed for themselves over the years.

I think I've made the most of this period of the chemo-go-round. Got the tree up, got all my Christmas shopping done and wrapped, socialized over the weekend with my near neighbors Jason and Marc, my former coworker Claudia (another knitter, one of extremely advanced skills) and the lovely McKeown family who had Robert, Kevin, the Garcias and me over for dinner last night. Della showed off her new skills: signing the word "more" (she also knows the sign for "all done"), and walking with only one hand being held. She's still a little too tippy-toe to walk unaccompanied.

My former boss, Ben, came and took me to lunch on Friday and then took me to my appointment with Dr. Liu. The normal pre-chemo checkup. The lymph swelling is now almost flat. We discussed the radiation schedule and, if I am a candidate, he would probably schedule the radiation to commence after my trip to NYC in mid-March. So here's the known schedule: My last chemo infusion is 1/15. 2 weeks later I'll have a CT scan. If the cancer cells have not spread to other quadrants of my body, I'm a candidate for radiation. I go to NYC mid-March for about a week or so, and maybe a quick visit to Washington to visit Alison and Jesse. By the beginning of April, I should be ready to begin radiation. I don't know yet how many days it will be, but it would be every day, Mon-Fri, for the duration. And then... well, frankly, I don't know and I try not to think too far ahead. Letting it be terra incognito works best for me.

My cousin, who lives in Seattle, and I have recently reconnected cybernetically. Her father was my mother's brother, and when her family still lived in California, our respective families alternated hosting the holidays. She reminded me of the excitement we used to have anticipating opening our Christmas gifts. We always opened the presents under the tree on Christmas Eve after some delicious Italian meal made by my cousin's second-generation Italian mother, my sainted Aunt Gloria. These, the "good" gifts, were always openly acknowledged as coming from our parents. What we got on Christmas morning was just our stockings filled with small toys, and useful things like underwear and socks, and, every year, a Lifesaver book (ie a book-like box that would open to reveal about a dozen rolls of assorted flavors of Lifesavers candies. Do they still make those?) Considering the Christmas Day schedule, it makes sense to me that they did it that way. It was chaotic enough to get the combined households of nine kids (well, we were boomer households on top of being Catholic) dressed and transported to Mass and back, and then to make a turkey dinner for all those people, to want to deal with the pandemonium and the time it took to open the presents on the same day. So that scheme was practical, but when I was very small, and a true believer, it made the communication with department store Santas a little more complicated. I always felt Santa was just a cheap old coot who was only gonna give me some Lifesavers, and my real task at hand was to convince this ersatz Santa, who was palmed off as "Santa's helper", to, in turn, persuade my parents to get me the stuff I really wanted.

Don't worry. I subsequently had years of therapy, and Santa and I have healed our dysfunctional relationship. There are already a couple of really good gifts from him to me under the tree. :)

Retail Therapy

I've loved having the Christmas tree this week, especially late at night, when I turn out all the other house lights and just look at the tree and listen to my iPod.

My third infusion this week will be on Christmas Eve, so I'm not quite sure how I'm going to feel on Christmas Day. I've asked Kevin and the Garcias to stop by for a couple hours, and I have decided to amp up my holiday cheer by surrounding the tree with wrapped presents for them and even some for myself from myself. (My rule about Christmas gifts for the last few years is that I only get them for people I actually spend the holiday with.) To that end, I set out today in a beautiful, air-cleaned-by-yesterday's-rain, sunny and warm San Francisco day. I walked along 16th to Valencia, up to Market and then up Octavia Boulevard to Hayes. I shopped only in small, interesting stores and got some really good stuff. I was walking and shopping for two hours which is a lot for me, but it felt good.

About 30 years ago, at the first Christmas my brother hosted in Canada, where he lived for a few years, my family adopted the English tradition of having Christmas crackers at the Christmas dinner table. I saw these really beautiful ones at Miette in Hayes Valley and couldn't resist. I don't think Cito knows about Christmas crackers, so it will be fun to introduce him to them.

Tree trimming and fake mustaches

Yesterday the Garcias came over to meet my nephew Alex, his mother Kristene and stepfather John who are visiting from Fresno this weekend. Kristene, although no longer married to my brother, remains one of the most important and beloved people in my life. Along with Robert, Kevin and Lina, we all ate a lot of honeybaked ham and trimmed my little (real) tree.


Kristene had wanted to meet the Garcias for a long time because I talk about them so much and she's seen pictures of them since Cito was born. She and John brought lovely presents for the kids (and for me!). Robert, my indentured bartender for the evening, introduced everyone to the Sazerac cocktail and a good time was had by all. Sometime during the evening, I came across the fake mustaches Colleen had given me when she was my chemo buddy and Renecito had us all wearing them for awhile.

It means a lot to me to have a tree this year. I don't think I've ever had one in this apartment and I've lived here since 1992. Since I have chemo the week of Christmas, I wanted the tree to look at when I'm stuck at home having the post-chemo ugh. Thanks to the fact that Robert isn't having a tree this year, I was able to take advantage of his huge collection of ornaments.

It also meant a lot to me to have the party yesterday. I love all the work associated with giving a party: the planning, the shopping, the preparing, etc. However, doing all that work is beyond my energy threshold these days, so I merely planned it, bought the ham when I went for my blood draw the other day (the Honeybaked Ham store is right by the medical building), and made shopping lists for Holly and Robert. They did all the shopping and Holly prepped all the food and Robert made all the cocktails. And they did all this shopping during a driving rainstorm at places where they had to hunt for parking because it's the holidays and everyone's shopping for booze and food on the weekend. Robert also did all the cleanup afterward. My luck in friends is inestimable.

Della and Cito were as good as gold all day, and Della is suddenly a tooth factory. She now has four, when she had only one a week ago.


One of my favorite things about the evening was how Renecito and Alex hit it off. Alex read to Renecito for a long time from the books Kristene had given him, and Cito loved it. Alex is going to be a great dad someday.



I probably won't be posting for awhile, since I'll be busy enjoying this period of "wellness" before the next chemo infusion on 12/22. I hope everyone is having as nice a holiday season as I am.

Back to some semblance of normal... and a house project!

I didn't blog the last few days because it was the usual ugh crap, and we all know that story by now. I do believe the glutamine smoothies might be helping with the neuropathy, as it seems less noticeable this time, and I avoided nausea and vomiting by being very careful with my food intake this time. Sunday and Monday were the worst days of toxic-feeling, but yesterday was difficult to get through mainly because it was so frickin cold here. I could only manage a short walk.

Yesterday I attempted to start making my new roman blinds, but I only got as far as doing the rough length cuts on the lining blackout material, and then I had to give up in exhaustion, which was depressing, because I was left with my living room in major disarray (as you can see in this pic. The blinds I'm replacing are the ones you see in the window -- they're rotting on the other side), and not much headway on the project. However, I was rescued from despair by an evening drop-in from the Garcias. Della can stand unassisted or unsupported for quite a few seconds before her hips get all hula-like and she collapses. I predict she'll be walking by Christmas.

I have now slept two 10-12 hour nights of sleep in a row, and I think that helps as much as anything. I woke up feeling very good today, and have already set in to finishing the cuts on the blinds. I might even get to some of the sewing today.

In other news, the hair fall-out started again, and tired of dealing with the clumps, I shaved my head total cue-ball.

Checkmark by Chemo Round 4

Woo hoo! I'm two-thirds done with chemo. David, my favorite chemo nurse, posed with me today. Still only the bloating as a side effect, and it seems to respond to Gas-X, so I guess I won't need to poke myself with one of those pointed poles they use on gassy cattle.

Amy was my buddy today and she's such a good chatter, we didn't need a puzzle to divert us. Another former coworker that I haven't gotten to spend time with one-on-one in a long time, so it was very pleasant to catch up. She's one of the few people in the world that used to be able to refer to me as "my boss".

Anyway, I'm all prepared for the ugh. I'm hoping it waits a day or two since the rain has been put off a day or two. I hate to waste good sunny walking weather.

Chemo Round 4 - Day 2

Vicky, who knitted the cap I'm wearing in the pic, was my chemo buddy today. Unfortunately, they put us in a group infusion room where everyone else was alone, and two of them were sleeping, so we had to chat in hushed tones.

Other than the bloating, no side effects have presented themselves yet. I woke up very early this morning and took a long walk and am rigorously keeping to my small meals. Rain is due this weekend. Fortunately, I won't be wanting to go out much then, as the ugh should have hit by then.

Round 4 - Day 1

I was my own chemo buddy today and went on the scooter with my iPod and a book. David was my nurse today and told me some patients are able to prevent the neuropathy by taking glutamine supplements. It comes in a powdered form that you mix into a shake or a smoothie. Bodybuilders use it. He discussed it with Dr. Liu, who agreed it wouldn't harm me. He doesn't personally recommend it to his patients because there are no studies supporting its use to prevent chemo-related neuropathy. Since it won't harm me, and since there are abundant sources of glutamine powder in the Castro (lots of stores catering to the muscularly-inclined), I'll give it a go.

I was fine going to chemo by myself on the scooter. I just wish the temperature hadn't dropped 15-20 degrees over the last few days. I was freezing on the way home, notwithstanding all the layers I'd dressed in.

Now I can feel the bloat setting in. I've decided not to attend René's art show reception. It's too cold out and there will be too many people that might be carrying germs. I'll stop by and look at the art some evening soon when the gallery isn't quite so full and I'm not quite so germ-permeable.

Heavyweight Championship Round 4 *ding*

I left my camera somewhere (I think at the Garcias at Thanksgiving), so I had to dig around in my photo collection to find something to post with this entry. I took this picture on my way to work one morning last Spring.

Getting ready for round 4. First infusion tomorrow afternoon. Hoping I'll feel well enough tomorrow evening to go to the opening for René's new show at Project One.

Thanksgiving was fun and it was just what I wanted from the holiday and the gathering, but I wasn't exactly a live wire. Maybe the pie was a dish too far and I should have stuck to just making the cranberry dishes. It turned out well, but I was worn out by the time I got to the Garcias. Della and Cito's energy soon revived me enough to participate socially, in short spurts. The company was mellow and lovely and we had two adorable dogs to entertain and divert us as well: Holly's father's dog, Rocky, an Australian Shepherd, and René's sister's dog, Crystal, a long-haired blue-eyed dachshund. I kept having to take little chair naps during the day and evening. There were 10 of us for dinner. It seemed we had just the right number of dishes and most importantly, the turkey (cook: Holly) was moist and the gravy (cook: Robert) was delicious. After the side dishes came out of the oven, I made James Beard's cream biscuits (a really easy recipe that I highly recommend to anyone needing to make a quantity of biscuits), and I'm proud to say that Cito declared my biscuits and my smooth cranberry jelly his favorite parts of the meal. (Never mind that for Cito, "favorite" has a fairly flexible meaning.) I have to say my favorite food that night was the rumaki that René's sister Cathy made for cocktail hour. I'm just a sucker for bacon. Mindful of my need to eat small portions, but determined to get all my Thanksgiving food, I starved myself a little in the morning, sticking to toast and a latté. The strategy seems to have worked. I was ravenous by the time dinner was served, but I was able to have a full plate with little portions of everything, and so was quite content. I was sated, but un-bloated when I returned home on my scooter through empty city streets.

Friday, I loafed. Saturday I got ambitious and walked to the discount fabric store on Mission and bought 15 yards of fabric to make new roman blinds for my bay window and a new bed covering. I really want to get the blinds done soon because I want them up before I install my Christmas tree on the table in the window. I decided that for once, I didn't mind the bother of having my own tree and thought it would help me keep the season's cheer, especially since Christmas week is an infusion week. Robert isn't having a tree this year, so I can take advantage of his vast collection of lights and ornaments.

Sunday, I cleaned the apartment. As much as I dislike chores, it gives me pleasure that I'm still able to tend to household duties.

Yesterday, Robert and I went to the standard pre-chemo oncology appointment together. When I reported the nausea I had this time and that the neuropathy was about the same as last time, and that there are some permanently unreceptive nerve endings in my left foot, Dr. Liu offered me the option of taking a break from chemo, or expanding the cycle so that there are more weeks between infusions. He wants me to have maximum quality of life, even during chemo. I appreciate his making the offer, but I feel like I've girded my loins for this fight, and I want to plow through and get it over on schedule (mid-January). We know the chemo is working to an appreciable extent; the tumor has shrunk so that it's hardly visible or palpable anymore . Despite my spells of nausea and the neuropathy and fatigue, my body is tolerating the poisoning fairly well. I've only lost 4 pounds since starting chemo, and that could be due to my daily walks as much as to eating lighter. My HIV has continued to be managed by the antiviral drugs. I have an undetectable viral load and a high CD4 count. So, for now, my attitude is "damn the torpedos, full speed ahead". I'm no sissy when it comes to this crap. I earned my stripes with HIV.

Today I walked to Bi-Rite to buy all the little delicacies I like to have from there during the ugh time. The weather is turning. We still have clear blue skies, but I find I have to walk on the sunny side of the street to keep from feeling chilly during my walks. I don't think I've ever dreaded Winter so much or hoped so much for an early Spring.

Happy Thanksgiving

I haven't been blogging because my friend for almost 40 years, Meg, is visiting from Seattle. We've just been walking around the neighborhood and visiting with the Garcias, and mostly hanging here in my apartment watching TV and chatting. Tomorrow we'll be dining at Da Flora with the Bufords who are coming up from Santa Barbara tomorrow.

Overall, my health is good. Most of the feeling in my foot has come back. I have some joint pain and I still suffer from bloating. I find that now I have to keep to the several small meals regimen even when I'm not feeling the full effects of the chemo. I tried to eat like a normal person on Sunday and paid bitterly for it that night. Not fun. My energy level has been pretty good, despite these minor ills, and I'm all ready for Thanksgiving. My hair continues to thin, but at a fairly slow rate. Thanks to a visit from Vicky on Saturday, I have even more hand-made headgear to keep my poor plucked pate warm.

My assigned dishes for the holiday at the Garcias are two kinds of cranberries: an orange-ginger-cranberry relish and the traditional smooth jelly kind that I've been making for Thanksgiving ever since I saw Martha Stewart do it on her TV show. I'll also be making a "mincemeat" pie (it doesn't have meat or any of that nasty glacé fruit that most mincemeat recipes have - it's just apples and dried fruits). It's going to be hard to restrain my appetite, since Thanksgiving fare is some of my favorite food, but I don't wish to visit the vomitorium again, so I'm certain I'll be able to avoid gluttony.

Have a lovely holiday, Gentle Reader. I probably won't post again until the weekend.

Jackhammers and Rain

Had to go get my blood drawn this morning in order to determine if I need to continue the dreaded neupogen shots. I passed again. No more shots until next round. My body really seems to respond to human growth factor.

I knew rain was in the forecast, but I didn't think jackhammers were. They started at about 8 AM and continued for 2 hours. OY! I chugged down my latté grumpily and finally went down and kicked the scooter. The skies were dry at that time, but I had my rain suit in a plastic bag with me. Sure enough, by the time I left Kaiser, it was raining and raining hard. Ah well, it felt kind of nice and normal and "sturdy" to be well enough to ride my scooter in the rain.

On the way home, I stopped and scooped Robert's catbox (he's in Mexico) and shoved a half a pepcid down his cat Elroy's throat.

I'm home again, and dry again, and I intend to stay in for the rest of the day. Now I can just look out and enjoy the rain.

Out from under

Zipedee doo dah.

Woke up today feeling great after a solid night's sleep. No nausea at all this morning, and my neuropathy is even starting to subside. I felt well enough to make a major grocery shopping outing on foot after lunch today, carrying home about 30 lbs of groceries. A good workout.

There are many reasons I love living in my apartment, but here are some major ones. If I exit my apartment building and look left, I see this:



If I cross the street and look the other way, I see this (if I'd angled it correctly, you'd be able to see the bay and the Oakland hills):



And if I take a few steps east, stepping into the alley that my bay window looks out on, and turn around, I see this:



(Note my scooter on the right...a hardy survivor like myself. 10 years old and 13K miles on it. Pretty unusual for a 2-stroke engine. Also note that no one has eradicated the tagging from last week yet.)

Something about SF's topography makes me very happy. Maybe it's because I grew up looking at a flat horizon line all the time.

Still keeping a pretty low profile tomorrow, but now I'm confident that I'll be feeling really good for Meg's visit when she arrives on Saturday.

The miracle of the sun (and Groucho)

Today didn't start well. Woke up at 5 and threw up, and was in and out of the bathroom for the next hour or so. Finally, I fell back asleep for a couple of hours and woke up feeling better, although still a little nauseous. I got up and got dressed and had a banana and some toast. These were sitting a little uneasily, but I decided to get out and take a walk. It is sunny and clear and about 62 here, and I'd been cooped up for two days.

I listened to my iPod as I walked toward Castro and Market. One of the inevitable results of feeling so unwell physically is that my spirits tend to follow, despite my best efforts at staying cheerful. And so it was today. I slogged along with my numb left foot, feeling pretty sorry for myself, and then suddenly, I realized I was smiling because I was listening to Groucho Marx singing "Lydia the Tattooed Lady" and I had just stepped into a beautiful warm spot of sunshine, and somehow I felt some weight lifted from my shoulders. I ended up walking for about an hour. After I got home, I thawed some soup donated by one of the kindly elves during my first chemo round and had it with some saltines, and now I feel much more settled in the tummy and the heart. I'm very tired now, but I can feel the toxins draining out.

Things are looking up.

the downside of the cycle

The last couple of days, I've felt pretty yucky. Yesterday, I could hardly move, I was so tired, although I managed to drop off and pick up my laundry as my major accomplishments. I have that familiar "toxified" feeling in spades: bloated, feeling the neuropathy in my feet more, can't really taste food.

Hoping to sleep through a lot of it, I took my pills and went to bed early last night, but woke up several times in the night, and started out the morning by having the dry heaves for a good spell. I have had something to eat since, and no more heaving. I'm spending the day resting, and just waiting for this part of the cycle to end.

I have everything I need, so don't worry. If you call, don't expect me to be very chatty. Sorry, that's just how it is until I get through this part.

Another gorgeous day in the Castro

I'm trying to take longer walks during these post-chemo days to try to keep the neuropathy at bay. The weather sure made it easier today. It felt lovely walking (slowly) in the sunshine around the neighborhood.

So far, I have little bits of neuropathy on both feet, a little bloating, and a lot of tiredness. I'm eating well and no nausea whatsoever. Classic Sunday after chemo: I wake up at 7, do a bunch of chores, take a walk, and I'm done in by 2. Oh well, I have food and plenty to watch and read, and cats that prefer me immobile. More later.

Halfway Home

Round 3 is finished. No major side effects yet, though I can feel the beginnings of neuropathy, and I think my hair is falling out a little faster now.

Vandi was my buddy today, and it was great to see her. We haven't really sat and talked, just the two of us, for years. It was great to catch up.

I'm assuming the fatigue/ugh/toxic feeling will start tomorrow afternoon or evening. I'm all stocked up and ready for it.

Chemo Round 3 Day 2

The Kaiser nursing staff are still getting used to the new system, so once again, my visit took about 45 minutes longer than it should have, but I had my chemo buddy Mike Wade to chat with so it hardly mattered. We stopped by the Garcias briefly on the way home and went with René to pick Cito up at preschool.

I still feel pretty good. I took a walk to Mission Street today before I had lunch. I browsed in Discount Fabrics, but didn't purchase anything.

Not much to report, but there you have it.

I wanted to show that I still have hair all over my head. It's just a lot thinner. I wear caps most of the time when I'm out to keep my head warm, and to avoid having my hair fall onto my plate at a restaurant or on my hostess as I'm hugging her hello, or whatever.

Here We Go Again: Round 3 Day 1

I started out the day with a nice long walk. We're still having rather beautiful weather. I went to Cliff's variety to buy some paint brushes, and then to Bi-Rite to buy some delicacies for the next few days of mini-meals.

Dinah was my chemo buddy today. She took this photo. I wish I could say I was consciously sticking my belly out like that. The only excuse I can offer is that the chemo loungers don't exactly promote good posture. :) Dinah brought along the collected stories of Saki, and read 3 or 4 of them aloud to me as I infused. What a great writer. I'm digging out my own copy of his collected stories and putting it on my chair-side table.

Today's visit took an extra long time because Kaiser went live with a new software system today, and there were the usual glitches and confusion. However, the infusion itself went smoothly. I was the last patient to leave today. I feel fine so far.

Preventative Della-seen

I felt I needed a good fix of Della before recommencing chemo tomorrow, so I scootered over to the Garcias this afternoon. She was still asleep when I got there, so I got to enjoy the pure calm joy of holding a sleeping baby for a long time. She eventually woke up and displayed her usual effervescence. I guess one of the reasons I enjoy her company so much is that her default mood is DELIGHTED. She really seems to enjoy life and the world around her and other people. It is particularly sweet to see how she and Cito both light up when they see each other. I know that kind of sibling affection won't last forever, but it sure is heartwarming to see now.

UPDATE ON TAGGERS: I got a call from the police officer assigned to the school (isn't it awful that a middle school should have its own dedicated officer?) this morning. He was filling out his report and mentioned that the kids might be charged with a felony (I guess because the tags are gang-related). I didn't feel very good about that, and after I hung up I wished I hadn't been such a cranky old man about it, despite how vehemently I abominate tagging. He called back a little while later and told me that he and his sergeant had decided to charge them with misdemeanors and get them into a tagging diversion program. I felt much better about that. They are only 6th graders, after all. He also clarified that the father of one of those kids is an EX gang member, and so, it is to be hoped, the father will be grateful that a citizen tried to help stop his son from going further down that path.

The officer needed me to sign citizens arrest forms, and came by the apartment with the forms. Mon dieu. One always hopes a man in uniform entering one's domicile will look like he did, but it almost never happens. Shutup. Nothing happened. My life isn't a porno. But if I were casting one....

One's Civic Duty

This is a photograph I took from my apartment window this afternoon. These fine examples of middle school students apparently aspire to be gang members, so they've started tagging things. I hate tagging SO much, I took photos of the little a--holes and walked them over to the middle school and handed them over to the principal and guidance counselor. They recognized both kids instantly. They both come from gang families, apparently, so if I'm shot while sitting in my window, there's a clue.

This morning I went to my oncologist appointment and had my blood drawn. Dr. Liu was a little concerned about the neuropathy I had in my left foot after the last round, so he wants me to monitor and report on that closely as it might affect how many rounds of chemo we do. He's concerned about permanent nerve damage. I'm going to take B-complex vitamins to help counteract the effect of the chemo on the nerve cells. The original tumor under my right arm has remained shrunken, and despite the twinges I feel on my left side when I have the chemo infusions, neither he nor I can palpate a swollen node there. This is also something to monitor, because if the cancer has spread to other nodes, post-chemo radiation won't be an option.

I feel pretty good these days. I had a busy weekend. I had dinner at Cheryl and Laura's with Robert and Emily on Saturday night. Yesterday morning I toured the Avedon exhibit at SFMOMA with Michael and Anthony, and last night Robert and I had dinner with the Underwoods in Foster City.

One more full day of feeling good before I start infusions again on Wednesday.

Mangiamo Da Flora

No health news to report. The neuropathy is completely gone. I'm mostly bloat-free. Only the fatigue continues and it comes in waves. I've been running various errands and performing various chores, taking advantage of both my energy level and the weather (we have rain in the forecast soon). I'm not bursting with energy, but I have my moments, and I know to use them wisely. Today I went grocery shopping and tomorrow I'm going to make some oxtail soup to save up for next chemo cycle. (This is not a plea for more food. I still have a mostly full freezer. :) )

Last night Robert took me to Da Flora. We couldn't believe the parking karma we had in finding a space on the street one block away. As always, the food was delicious. I had a shredded radicchio salad with bacon and shaved egg, and Robert had the caesar. We both had the same entrée. Flora and Mary Beth had just returned from a trip to Venice and Budapest and they brought back some real Hungarian paprika, which Jen, the chef, used in a delicious pork paprakash that she served with crème fraiche gnocchi. Yummy. We were good and skipped dessert, which takes great restraint because MB is such a gifted pastry chef.

I was tired, but full and happy when Robert dropped me home. Today I had enough energy to go grocery shopping and pick up Violet's prescription inhaler at Walgreens and work on some art. Otherwise I was very lazy. Lets just say Junie got a lot of lap time.

No news is good news

I haven't been posting the last couple of days because I've been feeling fine. I'm trying to enjoy these days before the next chemo round starts in a week. Glorious weather is helping me enjoy them even more.

It was a fun, if quiet, weekend. On Saturday, I finished a piece I've been working on for a long time and then had dinner at Robert's house with Kevin and him. It was fun to see the neighborhood celebrating Halloween in a low-key uncongested way. On Sunday, I got very ambitious with housecleaning all day, and then helped celebrate René's mother's Julie's birthday by joining the Garcias for dinner at The Matterhorn (a swiss fondue restaurant on Van Ness) .

Yesterday, I suffered for my ambition the day before by waking up with extreme fatigue, and took it easy for most of the day. I'm going to have to remember to parcel out my energy, even when I'm feeling well.

Today I started a new piece and interrupted its progress briefly to have lunch with Della, René and Julie. Before we went to lunch, Della tried once again to make friends with Junie (another child in the world who will think that a cat goes "hssssss" rather than "meow").

Next chemo round starts 11/11. I will try to post between now and then.

Sunshine, lobster rolls, and better days

Robert took the day off from work and drove me to Kaiser for my blood draw (I passed - no more neupogen shots until next round). After that, we drove down to Half Moon Bay to Sam's Chowder House for lunch. We both had Maine lobster rolls and sat at a sunny window table looking out on the bay. It was simply perfect, and simply what I needed as I start to emerge from the chemo ugh fog.

When I got home from lunch, it was still too delicious outside to stay in. My neuropathy is better, so walking isn't as much of a problem as it has been. I went to the bank and then to my newly re-opened library branch to pick up the latest EL Doctorow novel, and then just walked randomly around the Castro. I even found the energy (and foot power) to kick-start the scooter and blow out the carbon a little in a neighborhood drive.

We're supposed to have a few more days at least of this kind of late Indian Summer weather. Yay. Hold the chemo, bring on the sunshine.

Looking for the bright spots

Today I decided to keep forging ahead on my little art projects. Junie was not willing to abandon her sunny nap spot, so I had to wait awhile before setting to work. I'm really glad to have this hobby as a diversion. I might be going crazy otherwise. I'm also very grateful to have an apartment so filled with light. Being stuck inside so much could be very depressing in a darker place.

Feel about the same as yesterday. Still have the neuropathy and the bloating continues. Energy level is better each day. Tonight I'm doing the last (I hope) neupogen injection before getting my white count measured tomorrow.

René, his mother Julie, and delightful Della stopped by in the afternoon on their way to Matty's apartment to tend to Turbo the rabbit. Dells has a little bit of a cold, so I kept my distance, but we put her on the floor and let her terrorize Junie for awhile. It was very amusing. I walked part of the way to Matty's with them. As we walked, Della was in the backpack carrier on René. She kept smiling at me and finally extended her hand toward me, and we walked that way in the sunshine - her little hand curled around my finger. I was very happy.


FYI - The jumper from last evening eventually came down off the roof...after 7 hours.

If you wanna sing out, sing out

I felt well for most of the day. That toxic feeling is subsiding. The only remaining symptoms that bother me are the neuropathy in my feet, and a slow bloating in my gut that sets in over the course of the day, and is pretty uncomfortable by bedtime. The bloating is less bothersome as I get further away from the last chemo treatment. I expect it to be gone by tomorrow.

I was fairly productive and finished an art project. When I had cleaned up from that, it was after 5, and I was craving a burrito. I hadn't walked yet today, so I decided to go down 16th Street to Pancho Villa. When I got to Valencia, there were several police cars blocking thru-traffic. A jumper. Sure enough when I crossed Valencia and looked back, I could see him: a young man, standing on the very edge of the roof of a four-story Victorian. I tried not to pay too much attention to the onlookers. (I don't understand people who want to watch something like that.) I closed my eyes and tried to send a message to him that whatever it was that had brought him to the edge, it wouldn't seem very important in a few years. I hope it got through.

Life is full of odd parallels. When I got home and had finished eating and had visited with Robert a bit, one of my favorite films of all time came on TCM: Harold and Maude. There are many reasons I love this movie.

• It came out when I was 14 and I was just starting to develop cultural awareness. (i.e., I read the theater and film columns in Time and Newsweek and I went to midnight movies) I loved its "indie" film sensibility, and its cool art direction and costumes. Looking around my apartment, I think perhaps Maude's railroad car influenced my own interior design sense. Gah!
  
• The Cat Stevens score.
  
• It was filmed in and around San Francisco, including Santa Cruz, where my family spent vacations when I was very young.
• Ruth Gordon and Bud Corbett give radiant performances.
• VIVIAN PICKLES as Harold's mother. Why didn't this woman get more work in this country? Her character and performance pre-date the self-obsessed, over-privileged British bitch that Jennifer Saunders would get such currency with in "Absolutely Fabulous" 2 decades later. She alone is reason to watch this film.
• Movies about eccentric people appealed to me especially back then because I was trying to figure out how to live life as someone who didn't fit Fresno's cookie cutter of what a young man was.
  
• I first saw it with Meg and she and I still parrot phrases from it to each other regularly.
  
• And of course nowadays, its message resonates in a new way with me. The contrast between Harold, young and afraid of life, and Maude, sucking every last savory bite out if it. "L-I-V-E! LIVE!" Maude tells Harold when they first meet. "Otherwise, you got nothin' to talk about in the locker room."
  

I'm with her.

Sometimes all you can do is organize

I slept well last night, thanks to pharmaceuticals, but I woke up feeling rather cruddy, and have been moving slowly all day. I finally just gave up and took a nap around mid-day, and it did me a lot of good.

After I got up and ate something, I really wanted to finish framing the shrinkydinks piece I completed on Saturday, but I have no mental focus for that kind of thing right now. So instead, I organized my art supplies, including sorting the 132 colored pencils into color spectrum ranges again (I started that chore on Sunday, and Kathy W -- I found four pencils that belong to the set I gave you. Remind me next time you visit to give them to you). I had everything sort of dumped in a couple of boxes, so this organized mess you see is somewhat better than what I started with.

Once I finished sorting and organizing, I dozed again, then took a very short walk around the block, mainly just so I could keep to my routine of taking a walk every day. Then I vacuumed and dustied the apartment and now I'm exhausted, but in a less sickly, toxic way. I'm definitely on the up-swing again, but it took longer this time. I guess it might take a little longer to recover each time. But I'm Scarletting that for now. I don't have to deal with it again for 2 weeks.

Hoping to feel well enough tomorrow to get myself a little Della therapy. :)

May I please introduce...my upper lip

The chemo was making my facial hair fall out too, and that was gross when I was trying to eat, so this morning, I shaved it all off. I think it's been about 5 years since I had no facial hair, and then it was only for a few months.

I woke up feeling much better than yesterday and was able to take a neighborhood walk to Flax Art Supply to buy a frame for a piece I finished making on Saturday. I still have all the ugh stuff from yesterday, but to a lesser degree.

With the new state-issued card I now possess, I was able to obtain some home remedies that are helping me nap and are easing some of the discomfort of the bag-of-toxins feeling. I have to go pick up my laundry in an hour or so, and then I'll be free to give in to the fatigue.

I still have some frizzle on my head, but less each day.

Ugh...

As I predicted, the fatigue hit full-force today. I slept badly and woke up early, and took advantage of my morning energy to change the sheets on my bed and go grocery shopping for staples. By the time I got home, I was ready to collapse.

These are the days I bless my friends who have filled my freezer. I really can't focus to cook, though I force myself to wash up the dishes after every little meal, just to stay a little active.

I hate these days after chemo. It's not just fatigue, or the fact that the lymph tumor seems to get inflamed and sore. It's a sour taste in my mouth, neuropathy in my feet, I'm bloated, I'm spacey, I drop things easily, and generally, I just feel like a big sack of poison, which, I guess, is what I am, until this works it's way out over the next few days.

Meanwhile, I endure with the help of my lovely friends and all the soups and goodies they've given me. Thank you everyone.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Well, the chemo baldness is starting. I pulled out clumps while washing my hair today and found more in the drain strainer in the shower. No biggy. If it's the price I pay for escaping nausea, I don't mind. Plus, my tumor has shrunk, so again, a small price to pay.

Be prepared to see me in lots of caps.

Checkmark by Chemo Round 2

All done with this round. Hooray. Laura was my chemo buddy today (we drove, so no cab drama) and despite her protestations, she's not that bad at crossword puzzles, so we actually finished a hard one today.

Still no nausea, and today, my lymph node is perhaps even smaller than when I first noticed it back in July. I have to start the neupogen injections again tomorrow. Oh joy. Based on last time, I'm expecting the fatigue to hit on Sunday, but who knows, since Dr Liu said the fatigue would probably intensify with each round. That might mean it will hit sooner too.

Before my chemo, Holly and Della came to visit and we had lunch at Starbelly. We were quite the attention-getters once the gorgeous baby woke up and came out of her stroller. I had only half of my pizza (mini-meals!) and it was a simple margherita....DUH-licious. I'm so happy to have real woodfired pizza 2 blocks away. I'm about to have the second half as another mini-meal. I thought Holly was going to have a Harry and Sally type orgasm scene in the restaurant over her pizza (goat cheese, squash, sage, and bacon). I'm loving this new neighborhood spot. I think that was the fifth or sixth time I've eaten there, and the first time I've had their pizza.

Have a Little Tea With Junie

Colleen and I forgot to take a picture at chemo today (I blame "chemo brain", of course), so we took one after we got home while we were having tea and Junie insisted on being on my lap.

Colleen took BART over from Albany and we called for a cab 45 minutes before my appointment (it's a 15-minute ride to the medical building), and didn't get in a cab until 5 minutes before my appointment. San Francisco is simply a horrible taxi town, unless you're downtown or at the wharf, and even then...

Fortunately, he made good time and I was only five minutes late. HOWEVER, the stress had raised my blood pressure to much higher than normal. I'm usually around 115/60. Today it was 148/80 when I sat down, and I had a temperature of 99.5. By the time I finished my infusion, both the bp and temp were normal, so I guess it was the taxi stress. Colleen and I have the same birthday and she says Aries do not like to be late. I know it's true about me.

Ellie was my nurse today and she was great. She's the nurse who ran the chemo class Robert, Kevin and I went to before my treatment began. I haven't met a bad one on the oncology staff yet.

Got the usual wooziness, vague headache, minor aches and pains, and I'm a little fatigued already. But I had enough energy this morning to ride my scooter to Kaiser's medical records office and file for my long-term disability insurance. The weather's gorgeous right now, so it was a pleasant outing. So far, I've had 4 of my six small meals today. No nausea.

Chemo Brain and Crickets

Holly and I forgot about taking a photo during chemo today, but we remembered afterward when we were on Clement Street buying crickets for the lizard in Renecito's classroom, so here I am holding a cage of 30 very large crickets.

Nothing much to report. I'm woozy from the megadose of zofran and decadron they always start me with on day 1. David was my nurse again, and we found out he's a sock knitter. Knitters, knitters, everywhere knitters. Mike Wade will have to include him in future Sock Summits, etc. Nice guy and very gentle with a needle.

For the first time, I talked to one of the other chemo patients during my infusion. She overheard the conversation Holly and I were having about which public school would be good for Renecito, and she offered some suggestions because she'd raised two sons that went to SF public schools. She kept saying she had "chemo brain", when she couldn't remember a name or a word, and I definitely relate to that, plus, who couldn't use another excuse for their middle-aged forgetfulness? From now on, any memory problems I have are due to "chemo brain". It got a little weird when we started comparing cancers. I was more comfortable discussing public schools. Fortunately, the nurses came in and started dismantling our IVs around that time, so we were distracted from the topic.

I plan to eat my several small meals and do all the things I did last time, since it all worked out well then. So, with that, I'm retiring to my armchair and ottoman and Ken Burns' "The Civil War" documentary and a small portion of chicken pie.

The Best Medicine

I dare you to try to be sad or hopeless with these two in your life. Impossible.

Robert and the Garcias came over for dinner last night. We baked the chicken pie Laura brought on Sunday and everyone agreed that there is no need to make your own chicken pie if you have access to Bake Sale Betty. Della, who just started crawling last week, now appears ready to walk. She pulls herself up to standing position at every opportunity. Cito continues to be a joy (and continues being obsessed with "Star Wars").

I really think spending time with them is worth at least two chemo rounds in healing power.

Today is a "free day". No medical appointments. The sun is out and I think I'm going to run some errands on my motor scooter. Tomorrow, the poison drip resumes.

Cold and wet. Tired? You bet.

It's raining here again. In fact, as Robert drove me home from my oncology appointment today, the skies opened up and we drove home with the wipers on high through many flooded intersections. I came home to find the girls huddled together, as usual. Sorry for all the cat pics, but this view is what I look at for a great portion of the day, so you might as well too, Gentle Reader.

Dr. Liu could tell that my lymph node swelling was smaller. He was very encouraged, and said given my good blood test results and the fact that I hadn't lost any weight during the first round, we would keep the chemo regimen the same. Robert asked him about the cumulative effect of the chemo in terms of fatigue and nausea. Dr. Liu said I could expect the fatigue to get a little worse each round, but that if I managed to escape nausea and vomiting with the first round, I was likely to be nausea-free throughout my entire cycle, which was very good news indeed.

Yesterday was a nice day. Laura visited in the afternoon, bringing food from Carmella, and a Bake Sale Betty chicken pie, which I've been craving. We took a walk through the Castro and I did some shopping at Cliff's Hardware and Walgreens. Tonight the Garcias and Robert are coming over to share the chicken pie with me. Oh, and today Laura sent some homemade caramels along to me via Robert that she forgot to bring yesterday. I know my teeth are delicate, but I can't resist....

Heeeeeere's Evan!

Health update: I'm now pretty convinced that my lymph node swelling is smaller since chemo. My energy level still fluctuates, but I have a good period of a few hours at least once a day, and I'm still walking at least once a day. My fridge and freezer are full to bursting, and I'm eating well.

Today I had visits from my former coworker Susan at the same time as my niece Stephanie and her almost-two-year-old son, Evan who live in Sacramento. I haven't seen Evan since he started talking so I was very excited to visit with him. He had a lot to say, mostly about "Mommy" and "bubbles" and "pumpkins", which was a word Steph didn't know he knew, but he said it clear as a bell when we passed a big bin of pumpkins outside of Bi-Rite.

The weather is summery still, and we walked along Dolores to 18th Street and had lunch at Delfina Pizzeria. Then we walked back through Dolores Park, stopping to watch some Mexican singers and dancers. Evan and I were both pretty sleepy at that point, so we packed them up for home when we got back to the apartment. What a great day. It's still gorgeous outside.

Here's a video of Evan engaging in his enthusiasm for bubbles:

Oh wait, the weather outside's delightful!

My eyes were a little too big for my stomach yesterday, energy-level-wise. When it came time to go to the Salomé dress rehearsal, I was so fatigued I couldn't get it together enough to put on shoes and had to beg off. I napped and dozed instead.

In the evening, Robert and Kevin arrived and Ingrid brought over all the fixins for her swedish-meatball, mashed potatoes, and marinated cucumber dinner (complete with lingonberry jam for garnish/condimento) and she and Robert sweated it out in my muggy kitchen making it all from scratch, while Kevin and I relaxed in the living room. It was a delicious dinner and I don't think I've eaten so much at one sitting since I started chemo. I used the remainder of Carrie's loaf of challah to make a summer pudding for dessert. You cook down berries with sugar and a little water, then add some uncooked berries to it, and then layer slices of bread with the crusts removed and the fruit slop inside a dish, then cover it with plastic and weight it down. The fruit juice gets absorbed into the bread and it ends up like a moist fruity cake. Delightful. And as always, I was relieved of KP completely, so the three of them left me with a clean kitchen. Delightfuler still.

Today, it's like summer again, in the high 70's. Kathy drove down from Petaluma this morning and we took a little walk so I could buy a chicken breast to tempt Junie's appetite (she's been off her feed lately), then we settled into some serious shrinkydinks making, sitting in my bay window. She's the only other artist I know who's expressed an interest in learning the process and the tricks I've developed, so it was deeply satisfying to me. I can't show a picture of what I'm working on, because it's a gift for someone, so here's the view we saw as we worked. I really love my apartment in all kinds of weather.

Oh, and guess which celebrity sent me a handwritten note in response to the thank you letter I sent her after meeting her at the Paramount. Yeah, her. I *knew* she was as nice as she seemed.

Eunice the Aeonium

Yesterday was delightfully social. Mike Wade came over, bringing lunch from Bake Sale Betty, along with a lot of homemade Indian food from my coworker Swetta. I haven't been able to try her lentils yet, but they look great. After we ate, we went shopping at a yarn store nearby, ImagiKnit, so that Michael could buy some yarn to make socks for me. :)

A couple weeks ago, when we saw Carol Burnett, Matty brought an elaborate gift bouquet for her in the car. After the show, we found this little bit of succulent next to the car, that must have broken off when he was getting out. Robert said it could be planted and would take root, so I saved it. Yesterday Michael brought over the proper soil mix and a little pot and planted it. I named it Eunice, after my favorite Carol Burnett character.

Later in the afternoon, my goddaughter Lizzie stopped by. She and Mike are both avid knitters, so they both sat there knitting away while we chatted in my living room. We all went to the farmers market together, then came home and chatted (and knit) some more. Then we had an early dinner at Starbelly down the street. I was tired but pleasantly so.

Today I am attending the dress rehearsal of "Salomé" at the SF Opera. It's one of the operas I really like, and it's only 1 hour and 45 minutes long which will keep me from getting fatigued. After that, Ingrid is showing up at my house with a swedish meatball dinner for me and Robert and Kevin. I haven't really had a chance to talk to Ingrid about her recent trip on the trans-Siberian railroad so I'm really looking forward to seeing her ( in addition to eating meatballs made by a real Swede!)

The weather outside is frightful

This would have been the perfect day to stay swaddled in my mother's crocheted afghan, watching "Fall of Eagles" (just finished all 68 episodes of "Upstairs, Downstairs" last night), but alas, it was the day of my dentist appointment. So I had to venture out into the monsoon.

Mercifully, he was able to patch my broken tooth with some composite, and didn't even have to numb me. I was in and out in 30 minutes. I love my dentist. It's a temporary fix, so no more butter toffee for me for the time being. I got a little choked up telling him my news, but it's only natural; he's been my dentist for 23 years. I think he got a little choked up too, but he's so stoic and manly, it's hard to tell for sure.

I've hesitated to mention this, because I'm afraid it might be wishful thinking, but I think the lymph node swelling is a bit smaller, and it's not bothering me as much. *FINGERS CROSSED*

Holla! (and Roses!)

Yesterday was a particularly lovely day. Colleen arrived at my apartment at around 10, and we took a long walk through the neighborhood (I decided to treat the hip pain with more movement rather than less, and it's barely noticeable today, so I think I made the right choice). Then Robert came and picked us up and drove us to the Presidio where we brunched at The Presidio Social Club. Really good eggs benedict and french fries. :) After Robert dropped us off, we walked some more and Colleen bought me these bodacious roses before taking BART back to Albany.

Today my former coworker, Carrie, brought over a beautifully composed salade niçoise, and this gorgeous homemade loaf of challah. Along with a chocolate chip challah, and numerous biscotti, and some chocolate energy bars (Carrie makes the best biscotti of any I have ever tasted). I didn't think to take a snap of the salad before we destroyed it, but here is the rest of the challah. What beauteous bread. Delicious and perfectly crumbed as well.

I'm so lucky in my friends! Really feeling well these days and I'm going to try to make the most of this week, since chemo infusions start again next Wednesday.

Renecito and Della Visit

Health: Feel ok, though a little tired. Eating fine. Still going out for at least a walk around the block once a day. Hips are hurting - from the neupogen? Dunno. Only hurts when I walk.

Holly brought the kids over for a visit today. I showed Cito how to make a shrinkydink and he chose the AT-AT (camel robot things) from Star Wars. We turned his finished product into a pin:



Della crawled for the first time (at home) today, and continued practicing it at my place. This new skill allows her to terrorize Junie in many new ways, which left Junie hissing at the air all alone in the kitchen an hour after they'd gone. Sorry the video is sideways, I forgot I don't have the option to rotate it when I'm doing a movie.



Ooh, and on her way in, Holly snagged a brand new Cuisinart Pro for me for only 60 bucks at the sidewalk sale in front of my apartment building. SCORE!